Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
