sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
