DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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