Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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