exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I will pee on everything he values.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
