i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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