Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
