she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Randomize