Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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