my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize