I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Everclear isn't food dammit
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
