I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
