I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
