you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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