why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
