so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
