I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
