If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize