Can i not drive my cunt home
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
