We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
