i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize