She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
