How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
