peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
