Heybabeimwearingurpanties
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
