I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
