After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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