if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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