Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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