I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize