I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
