how can u be prego again
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
