I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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