Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
