some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Ketchup is God's man juice
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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