When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
