Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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