Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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