Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
