Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
