got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
