My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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