This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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