Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
