1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I have aggressive nipples.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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