Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
