Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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