Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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