i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
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