do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
