gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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