I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
