saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I cockslap morals
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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