This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
