I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
we're chasing vodka with high fives
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
