just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
