does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
