you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
